I had the hiccups when I wrote this.....

Welp, it's happened. 10 pounds off in 18 days.
Now the tricks keeping it off and losing more.

August 7th, 2010 will be the One Year Anniversary of my new home. One Year and it took us 3 months to rehab it enough it pronounce it livable. We've been living here 7 months already. It still doesn't feel like home to me. It feels sort of, like an aquaintance as opposed to a friend. Though, I haven't lived here 17 years....yet.
Don't get me wrong, it's a good house. It's 92 years old and still kickin', but we're still in a business relationship.

That's how I think I'll feel in my new body, too.

Think about it, I've lived in this body for 18 years. Getting a new birthday suit is gonna be weird. I mean, already I'm checked out by complete strangers/ex con's, (see July 22nd 2010 entry) how irresistible am I going to be when I'm "attractive"?
Most likely it won't be that different, I'm still me. The only thing changing is my pants.
I read Jenette Fulda's blog "Half of Me" at Pastaqueen.com and I read her book "Half-Assed" before the blog and she's retained normality. She hasn't gone off the deep end and started stripping or dressing like Miley Cyrus (OOOO! BURN!) she's maintained being herself just healthier. Now there's a role model, kiddies. Now I'm not saying I'm going to be a creepy stalker chick and mimick everything she does but, I'm going to try and maintain the same old Sarah. Not the "Fat Girl" or the "Fat Friend" but the REAL DEAL Sarah.
I'll always have the Fat Girl, though. And I might always be the Fat Friend, which sucks because when you're the Fat Friend people think that you have to act like the Fat Friend which means whenever they say something like "What should we do now?" you're supposed to either suggest food or lazing around. Same thing with the Fat Girl, you're supposed to get the Double Bacon Cheesy Cheeseburger not the Grilled Chicken Salad. And if you get the aforementioned salad, the cashier assumes you're on a diet. That's happened way too many times than I want to remember.
Anyway, the point is, I'll never stop rocking the Real Me.
I'm too awesome.

Lean Cuisine Love Affair: Afternoon Delight

Life can get discouraging and send you a lot of bitches to deal with but, you've gotta keep your head up.

Which is hard to do with a caffeine headache that won't go away.

Today I got up at 4:10 AM and waited for my sister to arrive at 5 AM so that we could go jogging/walking briskly at the high school track. It was fun, and we made a pact to lose 10 to 15 pounds by August 14th with an ultimate goal of 50 to 60 pounds down by Halloween. I can feel the electricity in the air! Meanwhile, I sit around at home and have "tiny binges" on stuff like, Cheeseburger Mac n' Cheese. I call them "tiny binges" because it's not what I usually do where I shove handfuls of cookies and potato chips down my throat at a time until my stomach cringes from maximum overload. No, my T.B.'s are more modest than that, it's just little bites of stuff I shouldn't eat.

I've been having some severe body issues, y'all. I see myself as a giant, repulsive blob that blobs around everywhere leaving it's blob residue. Really, I feel like BOB from "Monsters Vs. Aliens" or that worm thingy from "Dune" or Jabba the Hutt, but I really didn't want to use that one. It's so cliche. Like, I don't know how I can still use my legs. I see people weighing less than me using HoveRound's and Rascals and I think "What am I? a friggin' miracle or somethin'?" I witnessed this lady who was maybe 180-200 pounds get out of her Buick and waddle over to the nearest motorized cart and drive off! she was like, 50 years old! she didn't have a handicapped sticker, she didn't have any noticeable breathing problems, and yet SHE HAS TO RIDE ONE OF THOSE THINGS!! what gets me more is that she was taller than me. How the whatsit?! it baffles my wee mind. I can't think of nothin' no how after I see things like that. Like when you see a perfectly fine 6 year old riding in a stroller, your mind just sort of, dies for a second. It flatlines completely.

Anyway, I guess I should stop dwelling on this crap and move on to a more important topic, no not my secret crush on George Decay, but my love for all things Lean Cuisine! (I'll bet you weren't guessing that!)

Yes, it's true. LC and I are having a wild edible affair! I eat it out every night. heh heh, sexual innuendos are fun.

The way it feels in my mouth, mmm! and the portions! they're sooo big! (I apologize if you're eating a Lean Cuisine while reading this.)

Okay, for you I'll stop with the innuendos. But only for now.

What I really like about them is the fact that I can eat a tray of chicken fried rice and only consume 220 calories. It's awesome, and they're ready in minutes! for lunch today I ate their Macaroni n' Cheese and it was delish. I loved it long time! (Listen, I'm sorry alright?!) I didn't feel deprived one bit, which is how I usually feel when eating premade diet food stuffs.

I think I may have found my perfect diet.

Slimfast in the morning, A little "afternoon delight" with Lean Cuisine, and dinner is Healthy Choice or something like that.

Yeah, I didn't even apologize for that last remark you know why? because I want the world to know how good it is for me!

Commence lawsuit filed by Lean Cuisine.

P.S. The security guard at my local Aldi's looks like Yul Brynner. I just think that should be noted.

A Metaphor Phor Me

I've been waiting for a package for over 2 years now. No, it's not my latin lover, Raul, finally here from Brazil with his oiled up abs and biceps-*ahem*-No, It's my 16th birthday present and I still don't know what it is. It's been "on it's way" for 2 years, I'm begining to think it's not coming.

That's my metaphor.

I've been seriously trying to lose weight for over 2 years and it stills isn't here. I feel like Nero waiting for Spock to arrive. I don't know how it's going to get here or when it's going to get here but I know that one day it will be here. I'm hoping it arrives before Halloween because I want to go as Gene Simmons from KISS's album "Dressed to Kill" and I know it won't look as good if I'm 57 pounds overweight. I've got slim my thighs, my arms, my tummy. And I've got to let my hair grow out and not cut it off like I always do.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not wasting my time by setting goals like this? I mean, really it only sets me up for potential failure. I know a lot of failure has to do with what you let slip and so far, I've done pretty good. I'm 230.4 this morning. My goal for the end of this month is to be in the low 220's. Let's go me!!

In other none me-being-fat news, I went to a Cardinals game on the 18th (we swept the Dodgers!! woo!) and got sunburned. AND checked out! yeah, I actually stood there mouth agape. I'm just glad I was able to avoid being hit by the golf cart ambulance that went cruising past.

I've seriously got to start asking for numbers from now on. He stopped, looked from head to toe than back up and rubbed his hands together...menacingly. Okay, maybe he was an escaped convict panning on making me his next victim. Either way, I was flattered. So, potential Ex-Con, if you're reading this, thank you for at least making me feel sexy and irresistible for a second.

Here we go! off and running!

Here I sit, 4 pounds down. Wow! I feel magnificent! let me dance for you!
4 pounds in one week is amazing to me. I feel like a million bucks.
234.2 was the scales reading this morning. If my scale was a person, I'd be hugging it right now non-stop until it passed out from lack of air.
I still can't feel any difference in my pants or shirts or anything like that. My tummy still announces it's self. I'm happy, though. Yay, me!

1 pound down!

Yes, it's true, I've lost 1 whole pound since I started 2 days ago!!
ha ha ha ha! They say "Don't rest on your laurels" but, I can't help it. I haven't felt this good in ages. I feel lighter and when I go to bed, no more bloated gut causing bad dreams and tears. Today also marks the fact that I've been 18 for a week, and I've yet to get any cigarettes or tattoos! even though, for a split second I thought "A tattoo of my beginning weight and my end weight would be cool. A constant reminder of the battle I'm winning."
But, I don't know. Maybe. Yesterday I recieved a message from my nosy older sister, M, who took a joke seriously. Dang. Sometimes I contemplate deleting my Facebook account and just vanishing from the "Real World" to make my life easier. I talk to boys, I get a call from one of my sisters telling me I'm a slut. I write on a friends wall "Yeah, maybe now that I'm 18 I'll start smoking! lololol!" I get a call from one of my sisters telling me that I'm an idiot for even considering it. I wish they'd realize that I'm a hell of a lot smarter than them and I would never do anything as stupid as what they've done. They're complete and total morons!
A, M, and L all cause problems for me. They will not let me do anything on my own because they think I'll mess up like they did. I won't! I unlike them, realize that for every bad choice there's a consequence. Ergh! I don't know what to do.

Yay for the poundage loss!! We're on our way!

Sarah xo

One day strong

Well, you'll be glad to know that I started my dieting on the 12th and I'm doing things a bit differently.
Last time, I made everything I ate on the stovetop or in the oven or in the crockpot.
This caused problems as there's a big temptation to make whatever you feel like eating instead of what you should eat.
So, I bought some frozen meals. I felt so trendy! this way it's what I've got to eat, so there's no room for my compromising it.
I bought some fruit popsicles as a dessert substitute and some other low cal fruit things for desserts.
What I figure is if it's already made, it's easier and that's what I think will work for me. No temptation. I'm still going to make some of my lighter meals and freeze them but for now, smooth sailing. I've stocked up for at least 2 weeks. Hopefully, if I make one light meal a day I'll have enough at the end of my frozen meal selection.
I've got a good feeling about this one!

Sarah

I've failed....

Here it is, July 7th 2010 and I am NOT 170 pounds. Hell No, I'm still 230 something.
Today has been a somewhat shitty day. My Mother and my little brother have been giving me a whole bunch of crap. Not about the unmet goal but just in general shit.
For example, I spent 5 hours working in the kitchen and on my feet the entire time Mom spends 2 hours outside sitting down on the grass mostly and when I told her what I'd like to have for my birthday dinner she complained and said "I know it's your birthday but, we had what you wanted for breakfast can't we have what I want for once?"
SERIOUSLY?!?! We do that every single day!!! I wanted to shout "NO! I HATE TACO BELL!!" but instead she whined and played the martyr soooo well that she ended up getting what she wanted. Damn I wish I had my own car or could even drive.
I want so very badly to just go and cry but, I can't.
Something I should've informed you all of is the depression I've been dealing with for the past couple of months. The biggest is that friendships I thought were everlasting are falling apart and I'm getting blamed for it. And people I thought actually liked me were using me. I feel like a tool. I woke up this morning and immediatly sunk because I haven't accomplished what I want SOOOOOOO badly to accomplish. Which is why I'm saying, And I want to stress this as much as possible I WILL BE 170 POUNDS BY HALLOWEEN OR SO FUCKING HELP ME I'M GOING TO GIVE UP ENTIRELY!!
Why can't I do this?!? I WANT IT SO BADLY I WANT TO TASTE FREEDOM!! but I'm stuck. NOT ANYMORE. I'M BREAKING OUT. STARTING JULY 12th I AM ON MY WAY TO SKINNY JEANS!!