So, yesterday I went to the Cardinals Opening Day Rally and well, I felt really ugly and like a walking fart around all the Lumiere Place showgirls. Then, I waltzed over to the Ballpark Village and heard my new favorite cover band "Trixie Delight" (trixiedelight.com) playing Journey's song "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'".
Anyway, I was so revved by this band's choice of songs that I could barely contain myself when they started playing "I wanna rock n' roll all night (and party everyday)" right after the Journey song, I began screaming woo's and shouting yeah, and raising my fist in the Rock symbol. Well, I was singing along with "Hella Good" by No Doubt and noticed the drummer of the band LOOKING RIGHT AT ME like, we made eye contact! at first I thought "Okay, he's thinking 'wow, what a confident young lady that's head banging right now' and probably thinks I'm some kind of weird chick." but, he stared right at me through the next song "I love Rock n' Roll" by Joan Jett that I REALLY got into I mean, oh hot damn that's my for real jam! anyway, he was looking right at me again and even cracked a small smile. Now I began to think again "Okay, he's amused at my Bingo Arm flapping around as I shake my fist." THEN when they stepped off the stage, he walked half way off, stopped, turned, made eye contact with me again, smiled, and walked off completely. I still doubt that the guy thought I was attractive, I think he was mainly thinking something along the lines of "Wow, she's a dedicated rock fan..." but, I wish I knew what it means when a guy does stuff like that. And he was a bombcuss drummer, too! they covered Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" and I mean, WOW! what a fantastic job! their guitarist, too, was like, a friggin' prodigy on that thing! man, I hope they put out CDs. But, the drummer made me feel....weird. If he did like me, whoa I'm honored, but if he didn't, not really surprised. I wish I had stayed after the concert but, I was losing my voice and my sister was getting heat stroke sooo pretty much we decided to amscray. But, if I HAD stayed afterwards would he have..done anything? probably not. I mean, about half way through my time there a giant, tall, and big dude came and stood right in front of me swallowing my body whole. But, after he left I got to see that drummer guy again! I think his name was Nathan. Not sure. I'll have to go look that up on trixiedelight.com but, do you know how awesome that would make me feel right now? if that drummer dude thought I was cute?
So today was Day 2 of the challenge and I'm still excited. But, I didn't go to bed last night until almost 9:30PM and when my alarm went off at 4:15AM I woke up but was never awake enough to do much besides sit up and blink. I didn't fully get going until 6:31AM when I finally got downstairs and started workin' it out.
I'm feeling pretty good right now, save for the fact that my Mom is quite frankly a B-word to the hardest core you can reach. Seriously, every single day she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and ends up screwing up everyone elses day because she's sooo freaking weird! right now she's all offended that we didn't wait an extra 30 minutes for her before eating breakfast and she's making us all pay by having us do all the garden work that would be done normally by a machine by hand because she wants us to fully understand how upset at us she is. Nevermind the fact that we even thought about her to make her breakfast exactly the way she wants it, no, we are horrible human beings who should be whipped.
OI. It's times like these I wish I had someplace to escape to like, a magic pod that would give me extra money to spend and send me to the mall. Or Busch Stadium. Anyplace but here! not where she's at.
Erg. I'm really, really frustrated right now. I really, really don't want to work with her.
Man, I hope that I get to 165 before my birthday. I need this. I need to know that I'm not just always going to screw up. I want to finally succeed at something that isn't totally lame like, changing a babies diaper while on the phone. I want to do something phenomenal. I've been trying to lose weight for like, 8 years now. I've been put on almost every diet known to man, I've worked out for 2 hours every 4 hours, I've eaten nothing but salads for 2 weeks. I want all of this to amount to something. I want to not continually battle this hardcore, I want to have the upperhand for once. Even if it's just for a year, I want to say that at one point in my life, I succeeded at something I actually wanted.
This fat isn't me, and until I lose it I'll never be who I really am. I'm not the girl who cowers in the corner at the mention of a pool party, I'm not the girl who cries in the dressing room when a size 22 doesn't fit anymore, I'm not the girl who's afraid of dancing in public for fear her gelatinous blob body might gross other people out when it shakes. I'm none of those things, I'm Sarah. I love swimming, I love to clothes shop, and I love to dance whenever the mood strikes me. I'm caged right now, I'm stuck in a hole that I have to dig out of using only my hands as a shovel. It's going to be hard, but I want to taste that freedom again! when I was younger, before I was put on my very first diet at age 9, I remember wearing a hot pink and neon purple bathing suit to a slumber party/ pool party and not giving a darn. I remember getting up on the stage at church and not being afraid to shake what my mother gave me to the tune of "I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N" and belt it out loud, too. I remember not even thinking about my weight until my mother said "Hey, Sarah, you're 10 pounds over your limit! that's not acceptable." and put me and my older sister on the Atkins' diet because it worked so good for my Aunt, Cousin, and Grandparents. Then I remember stepping on the scale, having lost 3 pounds and my family saying "Good job." The next scene is terrible, driving on our way to VBS at 7 in the morning so we could have our room set up by 10 and being handed a Crosan'wich and hashcrowns that had to be wolfed down between the Burger King and Church, which was about 5 to 7 minutes away. I haven't been under 150 since. Heck! I haven't been under 200 since my 12th birthday. This kind of life blows chunks everywhere, you only get vague glimpses of your old self. Your real self. I want to look in the mirror every morning and see my real self, not the cage my real self has lived in for the past 9 years.
All of that will change in the coming weeks. It has to, life is too short to waste fighting! I can do it, I will do it, because I'VE GOT TO DO IT.
No more excuses! No more lies! No more fear! No more fatness! and that's my final word. You readers, will now only see me DEcrease instead of INcrease.
I promise you this.
Sarah
Girl he was checking you out! I know it's hard to see yourself as an attractive and desirable girl (i'm going through the same thing) but you are one hot tamale! Too bad you didn’t stick around to see what he might have said to you....maybe a little lovin would have been in your near future? *wink*
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about wanting to escape. I felt that way for nine years, and I still feel that way, yet i'm too scared to do anything about it.
The part about "this fat isn't me" made me cry. Everything you said I was nodding my head and agreeing with you 100% as I have felt that same way. You left me speechless and with tears running down my face.