Tears from fears

Okay, I don't think I mentioned that I was on camera like, 6 times at the Cards Rally on the 12th. If you have FSN Midwest, you may have seen me. Several times. Have no fear, I am not invading the airwaves just yet.

Last night, a few minutes before bed, I started crying. I don't know what brought it on but, it just happened. The entire time in my head I was screaming "I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!" but I have no idea how this came about. I wasn't thinking about weight loss, I was actually thinking about Saturday Night Live's special. So, I did some research, not extensively, just some to make this understandable. Apparently, because I am an emotional eater, when I'm peeling off pounds I'm also revealing the emotions hidden underneath. That also explains why I'm getting choked up now whenever I speak of my weight where as before, I wouldn't have flinched. But, more and more, I find myself with my head in my hands weeping bitterly at the idea of being fat forever. I wonder how long this is going to go on? I feel pathetic and out of control when these things happen. Same thing, I'm embarassed when my Dad comes downstairs and sees me working out especially when Jillian Michaels says something like, "Do you want to be skinny?" because I don't want people to think I'm doing this for vain reasons alone. Essentially, yes, I'd rather be drop dead gorgeous but not at the risk of not being able to do anything. I don't want to be handed some guys number and not be able to grasp it because I'm so weak and frail. That would defeat the purpose.

I lack a lot of self-confidence. I've never asked anyone to do anything because, I always think like, "Sarah, you're annoying them. Just go away." and that's the way I've been for the majority of my teenage life. I could've had a boyfriend at age 13 but, I wasn't going to talk to him and I wasn't going to stay and listen when he talked to me because I felt like I was in his way. It wasn't until months after he'd moved that a friend said "You know, I'm surprised nothing happened between you two. He always talked about you and made it pretty clear he thought you were cute. He never said anything to you?"
All I thought was, "Oh, so that's why he'd say stuff like 'Oo! Sarah! be on my team!' or 'Can I sit next to you? I really like talking to you.'"
I always thought it was pity. No one really hung out with me exclusively, so anyone who did I assumed felt sorry for me and was coming over to show pity on me.

I feel-if you'll all bear with me- that getting some of these feelings out will help me maintain more level headness throughout the day.
If you don't mind reading while I get some out on paper, Actually, you technically don't HAVE to read this. Do whatever you like, bro.
Anyway, something that's been bothering me for about 3 years now is, and I'm going to feel super weird admitting this, I've never had a serious relationship with a guy. I've had flings and just um, weird relationships but, no guy besides my father has ever said "I love you" or has even mentioned that they like me. Really, even my Dad hasn't said that. I've always felt (and most likely was) like the second option. Whenever a guy has said anything to me, I've felt used. This stems from the fact that every guy that I've had a crush on has liked my sisters. Heck, one guy even rated them for me! I was his dead last choice. It made me feel worthless and alone, it gave me several tear stained diary pages. I have never recieved a compliment from a guy, never. Not for anything I've done. How sad is that? I say prayers on days when I need a pick me up for any teeny tiny sign that somebody of the opposite sex finds me attractive. I've had girls say they'd become a lesbian for me, some have even offered to get a sex change so we can legally wed, and while I find it all very nice and loyal sounding (and yes, creepy) it stills doesn't fill that gap left from men. It's almost like I have a quota for compliments and it's never filled. My sister gets compliments alot, and she is pretty but, I wish I could see what that feels like. I've always felt like the ugly sister whenever our family goes out to parties. No one talks to me, if they do it's extreme small talk i.e. last Christmas' "conversation" with my Aunt Cindy:

Aunt Cindy: How's that snow for you?
Me: I know, it's surprising how bitterly cold it is and not even enough to go sledding in.
Aunt Cindy: Well, that's weather for you.

End of exchange. She literally left as I was ending my sentence.
Maybe I'm too sensitive, maybe I'm too annoying, maybe I'm not interesting enough. I don't know. I probably blather on and on. Not very appealing in a person, I guess.

Another big problem is, I'm really perverted. No, no I am not lying. I can make strippers stand in shock and maybe even Hugh Hefner blush. I've got a very dirty, dirty mind. Could this also be running guys off? being perverted kind of conflicts the fact that I'm a romantic. I'd love a Colonel Brandon or an Edward Ferris or a yummy Mr. Darcy! meeow! get your Derby in this Shire, baby! *ahem* the worst part about being perverted as I am is, not being in total control of it at all times. I want a man to come and sweep me off my feet, declare that he's only had feelings for me and no one woman could possibly fill the position. He only has eyes for me. But instead of him taking me to a picnic while he listens to my day, I'd rather he'd take me to his place or a hotel and we get it on! I've already accepted the fact that the guy I marry will have to like sex. And random make outs on random couches. but where oh where can I find a man who'll be my sweet Romeo and my Bedroom Beast(<- sorry you had to read that) a man who'll truly love only me? not just like like like me but, really want to work with me to find compromises and to really want to spend his time with me. Notice, I'm not saying ALL his time. That because I'm cat like. Too much time (more than 3 hours) of my undivided attention is exhausting and I have secretive things I want to do. Naturally, I assume a guy will feel the same way. It's like how it is with my family, I love them with every single molecule in my body, but sometimes you just need some alone time. Just because I'm not spending every waking minute with them doesn't mean I don't love them.
I don't know, maybe I'm a guys worst nightmare brought to life.
I just wish I knew.....They really should come up with a website that was written by guys giving their gosh darn honest opinion. And it should be categorized based on problems girls are facing with their guys.

Every morning, I wake up and begin singing in my head "Rebel Prince" by Rufus Wainwright because, that's how I feel.

Where is my Rebel Prince?




Sarah